I have a best friend named Larry. We are classmates for two years in high school. But before the so-called “best friendship”, Larry was my crush for some time. But that mutual feeling was replaced by a wonderful friendship as our bond gets stronger with time. Eventually, we became very close. And then we became the best of friends. Larry was my first guy best friend. We are not the typical best friends who are always talking to each other and are always seen together. But deep in our hearts, we know that we have each other and that we’re the best of friends. Sometimes I can’t feel his presence. I felt neglected. I got jealous at his other friends who are also my friends since we are sharing the same class. To lessen my burden, I just considered our differences of interest since we are in an opposite gender.
One morning, some time in August 2002, while I was staring at Larry, I felt for the second time the special feeling for my best friend. I tried to control it but I can’t. The situation was so hard for me.
One day Larry got sick and wasn’t able to come to school. One of our classmates asked our Math teacher to joke Larry that we are going to have a weekly test the next day. And so we all agreed. The very next day, some of our classmates told Larry about the test and so he reviewed really hard and even skipped breaks just to be prepared for the test. Math time came. Our Math teacher said, “Get a sheet of paper”. Larry seemed so ready for the test but then our classmates and I laughed. And then he found out that it was just a joke. He got embarrassed. Later that day, I sent him a message and apologized for being part of the joke. But he was disappointed. He refused to accept my apology. I got shocked and nervous. The next school day, I patiently waited for him in our classroom expecting everything to be back to normal but I was wrong. When he arrived, he approached our other classmates except me. No glances at all. I felt guilty and bothered at the same time. Did I deserve to suffer the entire burden our other classmates also need to suffer? Why did he blame me alone? I went through this problem for almost two months. I became hopeless.
One afternoon, in our Music class, I received a letter from the back row never knowing who the sender was. I was surprised when I found out that it was from my best friend apologizing for everything and that I will always be his best friend no matter what happen. Everything came back to normal between the two of us. I was so happy and yet sad because I can’t admit my special feelings to Larry.
Unfortunately, Larry’s family had a problem and his mother decided to migrate their family to the United States without telling anybody. I didn’t know about it too. Larry just sent me a message in my cell phone that he was already in California. I was so sad that time because I wasn’t able to say goodbye to him. But through that, I felt his trust again.
Three years had passed. My mother and I migrated to New Jersey. I thought it would be easy for us to save our best friendship especially when I relocated to Texas. But every time we have the chance to keep in touch with each other, I am becoming sadder not happier because I can’t tell him what I feel. Sometimes we are saying I love you to each other but this doesn’t heal the pain in my heart because I know that Larry’s love for me is just because I am his best friend. Sometimes he is telling me about his girls in his school and all other stuffs. I can’t help to get jealous. I am trying to react normal and give him some advices but deep inside, my heart is crying with so much pain. I promised to myself that I’d do my very best to forget my special love towards my best friend. But I know that it is hard. It is hard to forget him. Even though, I want to forget him, I am still hoping that someday, I will say I love you and Larry will reply with an I love you too in a way that I wanted it to be. Until now I haven’t seen him for almost four years but the feeling stays the same and it will forever.
Life is sometimes unfair. It is for me. Because I’m hiding something, I’m hiding something from someone. It’s like I’m waiting forever. I want to tell him what I feel but I am afraid. I’m afraid to lose him. I’m afraid to lose our bond, our friendship. I don’t wan to risk it. It’s just he’s too precious for me. He is special. If I still need to wait, I will. If it’s going to be forever, well I have to move on.